Adams Wife’s Weblog

I’ve been invited by a friend who has more than one condo available to spend the last week in January someplace warm.  Now we just have to decide whether to go to the beach or the desert.  Palm Springs? or Palm Beach?  Maybe Vegas?  I’m open to any ideas or opinions.  I lived in Phoenix for 7 years and learned to love the desert in winter, so I’d love to go to the desert.  However, I’ve never been to the beach, so that might be exciting to see something new.  What do you think?

My daughter doesn’t need me as much as she used to (like a couple months ago).  I’m having a hard time letting go.  Is it too much to expect that as we live in the same house I could occasionally talk to her without her walking away or indicating that I am bothering her in some way?  She never treated me this way when she was a teen-ager - is this arrested development?  Am I over-reacting or could there be something amiss in her life?

So - I was going to post about my daughter’s wedding.  I had hoped to post a picture of the happy couple, but I can’t get them to stand still and let me take a picture.  They had been talking about marriage but had not set a date.  Then they decided to do it the next day, it being Laura’s birthday.  However, as so often happens, everything went wrong including the judge not being available at the last minute.  They were unable to get the deed done for one reason or another for the next few days.  Finally ended up being married on Shane’s birthday, five days later.  And they went alone to the courthouse and had strangers witness the ceremony.  They talked about having a party for their friends and family to celebrate the occasion, but that never happened, either.  So, no pictures, no stories, no fond memories.  But - they are married and seem to be happy with that arrangement.

I went to Twin Falls (actually Buhl) for a week recently (for the Fourth of July).  Got down the freeway, about half-way, and remembered my camera was not with me.  I’ll be going again in August, so I promise to take some pictures then and post them for your enjoyment.  I had dinner with a lady who graduated from high school with me.  It was a very lovely evening.  Then I had lunch with a cousin, my sister, and an old friend of ours.  We laughed and laughed and ate lots of good food.  And while I was there I saw my chiropractor (I have one here in town, too, but he’s not quite as good).  I got up one morning with a backache so bad that I could not stand up straight.  I’d been seeing my local chiro and was making progress, but the lady I see when I’m ‘back home’ is just that little bit better than him and started me really making progress.

I saw my surgeon yesterday.  He says I’m doing very well and healing nicely.  My nose still tends a bit to the left, but not enough to worry about (he straightened my septum along with every thing else).  I have the sensation in the back of my throat that something is caught there and needs to either be swallowed down or coughed up.  Apparently it is scar tissue.  It will take 3 to 6 months for it to soften up enough that I don’t notice it anymore.  Man! am I ever looking forward to that.

Today it is two years since Ed died.  I had not thought of the significance of the date until just now.  (Daughter is trying to get married and running into all kinds of obstacles getting the ceremony performed, but that is a story for another day.  Anyway, it has served to distract me.)  Does the fact of my being distracted mean I am healing?  I’m not sure.  I miss him some days so awfully bad!  I look over at his chair and wish he were sitting there.  I want to hold his hand, to share a joke with him, to kiss his face.  But, I wouldn’t bring him back if I could!  Life was not good for Ed the last few years he lived.  During the dark days after my recent surgery he was here when I needed him.  No - I’m not hallucinating or losing my mind.  I know there are guardian angels watching over us.  I asked God to let Ed be mine during this time, and He granted me that boon.   Life goes on, and some days it is easier than others.  I will always miss Ed until I am with him again.  But it doesn’t hurt quite so much every day as it used to.  So, I guess maybe I am healing after all.

I’m beginning to feel more like myself.  But that brings up a question:  Who am I?  I have spent so long feeling worse and worse and worse that now I’m not sure what normal is all about.  I’m beginning to want to do things that have been neglected for months.  Today I’m very excited to be going on a short shopping trip.  It’s my first time to leave the house other than seeing the doctor.  Is that pathetic?  Or is that a sign of returning good health - a sign that I’m finding the real me?

I’m also excited to feel well enough to spend time at the computer again.  I’ve missed visiting my blog buddies and keeping up with Facebook and Mingle.  I’ve started looking into some of my favorite blogs and catching up with my old friends.  It’s a bit like coming home after a long absence.

The weather is still lousy, but predicted to clear off and warm up.  I am anxious to get outside and go for a walk.  I want to feel the sun warm on my face, to see the flowers and trees in bloom and enjoy the green of grass and leaf.  I want to take a walk on the Green Belt by the Snake River, to visit all the places I love there.  And I want to take some new pictures.  It’s been nearly a year since I took a new picture.

I’m looking more like this these days.  It’s been a long haul, but I am finally feeling better and what’s more my sense of humor is returning.  My smile has become pretty constant again.

Immediately post-surgery I was doing pretty well.  Next morning I enjoyed pancakes and eggs for breakfast, and I was drinking lots and lots of water.  I had packing in my nose and had to breathe through my mouth - needed constant sips of water to keep hydrated.  Doc removed the packing and sent me home.  My daughter was able to get an extra day off and so was with me for my first day home.  Her fiance (newly engaged) helped watch the kids after school while she was working those first few days, so I didn’t have to worry about them so much while I was recuperating.

First problem:  The packing in my nose had caused my eyes to water continually for 24 hours or more.  They dried up a few hours after the packing was removed, but by then my left eye was so sore it took days and days to heal.

Second problem:  The antibiotic capsules they sent me home with did not dissolve in my digestive system as they were supposed to.  Consequently I got an infection.  The surgery was Tuesday, I was eating and drinking fine on Wednesday, by Monday when I saw the doctor again I was in so much pain that I was beginning to dehydrate from lack of water and the only meal I was able to get down was Ensure.  It took an average of two hours to drink an 8-oz can of the stuff.  And I was taking pain pills every 3-4 hours day and night.

Third problem:  Swallowing my regular meds for my diabetes and gastrointestinal problems.  The pills would stick in my throat (not mentioning how bad it hurt to swallow them).  A couple times it was so bad I gagged and threw up.  That felt good!

Fourth problem:  When I saw the doctor and got the splints out of my nose he changed me to a liquid antibiotic.  This helped greatly.  I forced myself to drink more water and in a couple days was able to eat soft foods.  Then the antibiotic caused gastric distress and I began spending a great deal of my time in the bathroom.  On Friday I called the doctor and was taken off the antibiotic.  I was terrified the infection would have a resurgence, but it has not.  By Thursday I was able to get off the pain pills and only needed an occasional Tylenol for pain control.

All problems solved!  Yesterday and today I have been able to increase the types of food I’m able to eat.  For Mother’s Day my daughter grilled hamburgers and I was able to eat a hamburger and some fries.  It was a little bit painful, but well worth it!!!!!!! Â

The surgery was necessary because I had sleep apnea so badly that it had caused me to retain water (didn’t know that could happen - but it can).  The more I retained water, the harder it was for me to breathe until I was on oxygen pretty much 24 hours/day.  And, of course, the more problem I had breathing the more I retained water.  And round and round and round.

Since the surgery I have lost 10 pounds - mostly water I think (had taken about 10 pounds off with diuretics before the surgery).  So I’m now 20 pounds lighter.  A surprise benefit is that I have cut my long-acting insulin in half and reduced the short-time insulin, too.  I had no idea that that might happen.  If I hadn’t been so sick with the infection and kept forgetting to take my evening injection of Lantus, I probably would have had some serious low blood sugars to deal with.  As it was I had to eat a couple times when I didn’t really want to because my blood sugar was only 90 and still falling.

The long and short of it is I am going to live and live well.  I am already reaping the rewards of going through the whole process.  I didn’t really expect it to make this big a difference this quickly.  Thank you all for your prayers and your good wishes during this time.  My faith in guardian angels has been reinforced.  I have definitely felt the presence of my loving husband at the most trying and troublesome times during this recovery process.

I finally heard from my doctor’s office yesterday.  The poor girl was working really late - called me at 6:30 pm.  I am tentatively scheduled for surgery on April 27.  The hospital will call Monday to confirm the appointment and go over the details.  I’ve tried and tried to find some humor in this situation.  I guess it’s just not funny.  I’ve had several surgeries in the past and never had a lot of nerves with any of them.  This one is making me nervous.   I think the aftermath scares me more than the surgery.  I’ve never had a ‘messy’ surgery - not even a bandage that needed to be changed.  With this I will have splints in my nose for a week and a drip pad that may need to be changed as often as every 15 minutes.  And I will be alone.  My daughter has to keep working, can’t afford time off.  They will give her time off to be at the hospital during the surgery, but when I get home I’m pretty much on my own.  Hope I’m strong enough both physically and emotionally to get through it.  I know my friends and family will be praying for me.  I guess I’ll just have to trust that angels will watch over me if I need them.  

I’ve been waiting for 3 days for the doctor’s office to call with the results of the sleep study.  My surgery should be scheduled at the same time.  Yesterday I got tired of waiting and called them.  The nurse said the doctor hadn’t had time to check the report yet or talk to my cardiologist and endocrinologist.  She assured me he would probably get to that today and then they would call me.  I’m still waiting.  I want this done!

Once again I am sitting at home while my family goes to church without me.  I miss going to services and meeting with ‘the Saints.’  I have many decisions ahead of me and deeply need heavenly guidance as I make those decisions.  My own wisdom often lets me down - I don’t see the end from the beginning as does God.  I need to know what He would have me do.  I need His help in making these choices.

Sometimes I wonder how much my health actually keeps me from attending church and how much it is a habit to stay home.  I managed to go to the doctor this week and even to have my nails done.  Is church that much more difficult?  I even managed to buy groceries yesterday - a real challenge!  (I haven’t put them away yet, but I did go shopping.)  So how much harder is it to sit through church services?

Why can’t I seem to get it together and go and worship the Lord?  I’ve always like church.  This isn’t some delayed rebellion - I even liked church when I was a little kid and a teenager.  I think maybe I’ve struggled so long with my health that I have developed a fear of doing anything that I don’t have to do.  And I’ve gotten out of the habit of church attendance.  So - can anyone tell me how to re-establish that habit?

That about says it all.   I keep hearing this song in my head.